No one likes feeling raw and vulnerable. It’s never really a convenient time to be messy. Yet the reality is we all have those moments (or we’re really good at stuffing our feelings). When I’m in these moments I tend to try to “stay strong”. Things in my life have taught me (wrongly) that it’s never ok for me to not be ok.
So yes, at the moment – I am pretty raw. It may seem odd for me to share this, but I think too often so many believers (like me) are busy trying to “seem ok” – what that teaches new/young believers is that is never ok to be off for a moment. And frankly, that just is not possible! We all have our days – what makes those days good or bad in the long run is how we act when we’re in them.
Like with anyone, God has dealt with character issues with me over the years. But at the root of a number of of these issues were self esteem things that were rooted in rejection. This may surprise some folks who know me because rejection is probably not a word they’d think of when they think of me – but it is very possible to be surrounded by friends and still struggle with rejection! Anyhow, God picked this month to deal with this root.
Although I think I already knew some of the things God’s showed me over the last few weeks, there’s a difference between “getting it” in your head and “getting it” in your heart. God showed me how things that had started in high school and before had started unhealthy patterns that played out over and over for decades in my life.
The heart is a delicate thing, or at the least – mine is. It never ceases to amaze me the depth of the wounds caused by things that seem so simple. I think what’s worse is that even if we understand what it is that has hurt our heart, often we think we should just be able to “get over it” and end up stuffing or burying things that God really wants to heal.
So as God started to connect these dots for me in my own life, I quickly became overwhelmed at how to heal them. This resulted in a lot of tears. And I do mean a lot. And honestly, at first I was a little mad at God because I knew He’d walked me into it – and although I’d let Him – I didn’t like the pain I was dealing with and honestly wasn’t sure how He was going to fix it.
About that time, our focus in the Prayer Room (where I spend most days during the week) increasingly became focused on the King of Glory (Melek Kabowd). We spent some time in Psalm 24. The King of Glory is “The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle… The LORD of hosts, He is the King of glory.”
What I started realizing was that my eyes were not focused properly when they were focused on my issues – they needed to be focused on Him. You see when I focused on my stuff – it seemed huge and overwhelming, but when I focus on the King of Glory, I realize NOTHING is too difficult for Him – certainly not doing a little bit of healing on my little heart. And as I kept my eyes on Him, the enemy was losing his grip in these painful areas in my life. The King of Glory reigns over me!
So suddenly I’m not really dealing with the hurt – God is healing it… and if I find myself struggling to grab the pain again, I just re-fix my eyes on Him, the King of Glory… and in His mercy, He meets me there.
Lord, first off I just ask for Your forgiveness for trying to handle things on my own when I need to be bringing them to You and even more so for letting my gaze shift from You onto whatever problems that seem to big in that moment. You are the King of Glory. You are FULLY ABLE to meet any need. Thank You for Your mercy God. I pray that others that may be going through a similar moment would be able to shift their gaze onto You as well God – extend Your precious mercy to them Lord. Meet them where they’re at. And for those who aren’t in one of those moments God, help them to have a greater sense of what Your heart is for those who are… bless them all God. In Jesus’ name.