Insecurity

I realize that many people struggle with insecurity at varying levels, but honestly if you asked me a month ago if I struggled with it, I would probably have told you not really. That was until God had me start taking piano lessons.

What I quickly discovered was that I had never actually dealt with the  deep insecurities I had in my heart. Instead, I locked them away by spending the bulk of my time doing things I excelled in or things I could learn very quickly (and then excel in). That way my deep insecurities were held at bay through lots of compliments on things I did well.

So a month ago I began taking piano lessons at God’s direction. Despite taking years of lessons as a child, I couldn’t play a bit. Immediately, I could feel my discomfort at doing something for an extended period of time that I was not skilled at, at all! The tension and discomfort would become so great I would break into short fits of laughter (it’s how I deal with pain and nerves) and chronically apologize for every error (which are numerous when you’re a newbie!).

Two weeks into piano lessons I started vocal lessons as well. God’s had me on an “audience of One” for over a decade, so even though this was something I enjoyed, used to do, and am able to do, I still found myself debilitatingly insecure about it.

God made it clear that He was no longer going to allow me to hide in a self image created by my own ability or lack thereof, but rather one that reflects His vision of me.

We are still very much working on this, but even in these beginning steps of seeing my skewed identity, He’s started breaking through. Even in the realizations of the comfort zone box I fought so hard to stay in so I could feel safe and equipped and able. And the painful realization that I wasn’t any less insecure in the things I was good at – I was only able to mask the insecurity better. All these things have been bringing a new level of brokenness in this area…

So I face the ugliness in my heart and I submit it to You, Lord. I ask You to give me a vision of who I am that aligns with Your view of me. Help me to have my identity rooted in You – not in the giftings You’ve blessed me with. And above all, to You be all the glory… have Your way in me.

And Lord, I know I’m not the only one of Your children to struggle with this. So I pray even right now for those who would happen upon this entry – that they too would have an identity that aligns with Your vision of them. Show them who You’ve made them to be and how they should walk into that without fear, not feeling overwhelmed, but simply trusting You. Amen!