I have spent the last week rereading my journals at the Lord’s direction, which start in 1987 when I was 16. I’ve read in order up to within a few years ago (I’m still reading), and it’s been eye opening to say the least. Amazing how differently we remember things from how they actually happened – something I’m told has to do with self-preservation.
I’m sure there will be longer blogs about my past later, but the thought I wanted to capture aligns with Romans 11:29
For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.
The word here for irrevocable is ametameletos (G278) meaning “irrevocable:–without repentance, not to be repented of” – basically the Lord creates us in a particular way and even if we choose to wander, He doesn’t remove those things He’s given us that our intrinsic to our nature.
In other words, if He’s created you to be an artist and you choose to use those giftings and that call to create pornographic images that degrade those in them and tempt others into sin, the Lord doesn’t suddenly decide to make you NOT an artist. It is who you are whether you choose to use your talents wisely and to His glory or not.
What I learned as I read my journals (or I should say, what was confirmed) is the fact that I am an extreme worshiper. The Lord created me to worship, and I do so with an abundant amount of zeal and I always have… it just hasn’t always been directed at Him.
In reading my own words it were as though I could see a small girl tugging on each persons sleeve saying, “Will you be my god?” then turning to the next person, “Will you be my god?” It was heart-wrenching to read and must have been heart-wrenching for God to watch. I literally referred to certain individuals as my “god” and talked about how much I worshiped them.
But the problem was humans were not intended to receive worship, so I was constantly being told I was “too much,” so I would ratchet back a bit and continue to pour out because it’s how I am wired. Then I’d be told I was “too much” or whatever other insult that began to cause me to believe their was something inherently wrong with me.
So I began to DO things for my gods – constantly doing, doing, doing so that they would find me too invaluable to want to get rid of me even though there was obviously something wrong with me… or so I’d been led to believe. I allowed myself to be used, simply in attempt to secure love and avoid rejection.
During the early years of my marriage, which was falling apart at the time (read the testimony), I learned to truly worship God. I finally had the proper outlet for this call to worship YHWH, the One True God! The only problem was from the years the enemy had perverted it, there was a broken pattern still in place. The continual need to DO, the belief that love was tied to my performance.
I’ve known for a while this is an area I’ve struggled with. And of course I’ve prayed to be freed from it and layers have been pulled away, but in reading the journals and seeing it clear as day it was like snapping a joint back in place that’s been dislocated – I “got” it.
Despite the successful ways the Lord has used me to minister, God in His mercy and great love for me refused to let me continue out my walk being “used” by Him. He loves me the same whether I have a thriving ministry or not. No amount of volunteer positions can make Him love me more. And though these are things I’ve “known,” my heart is starting to fully “get” them.
Simply because some humans have given conditional love, does not mean that is the love the Lord is offering.
I share all this because I know I am not the only one who has had their call or gifting perverted. I’m not the only one with broken patterns that need fixing. So I just want to encourage you that He CAN fix them. He is YHWH Gaal (the Lord our Redeemer) and YHWH Rapha (the Lord our Healer).
Let Him lead you through the healing process because He knows your heart far better than you do! Trust me when I say I did NOT think rereading my journals was a good idea – I knew only too well what they contained (and they were actually worse than I remembered) and yet He used them for good, for healing, and for encouragement.
YHWH, forgive us for allowing our gifts and calls to be derailed and perverted even for a moment. Thank You that in Your mercy You don’t change Your mind and take them back, but instead wait for that perfect moment to redeem and renew. Your love is unfathomable! Please bring healing and redemption.
Abba, I specifically pray that all those who You created to worship who have been hurt in similar ways to what I’ve experienced would be healed and brought into alignment with their TRUE calls – to pour out to You what You so greatly deserve! Please heal our hearts and help us completely “get” Your truth. You are such an awesome God – I tear up even as I type that because I know I can lavish my love on You without You telling me it’s too much 🙂 Thank You for allowing my to love You and worship You with my whole heart. And thank You for being worthy of it. You are amazing…