Spent. Dragging. Useless. Off. Yes, those and then some.
Even now I sit, staring at the screen. Not even sure where to begin. Where are You? Where am I? What is it I’m supposed to be learning that I seem to keep missing.
I miss You. I feel very disconnected… again.
Busy days turn into busy weeks… I still feel apart from You. I still feel… something… I don’t even know what it is.
Beat. Yeah. Beat and beat down. And wondering… are You really who You say You are? I press in – I believe… but then I feel like I’m left to look the fool. Am I out of Your timing… out of Your will?
There are so many things You’ve promised us… did we mis-hear? Mis-understand? Mis-interpret? Isn’t it time for You to show up? You always do, but aren’t we at a point yet where You can stop testing us by waiting until the last moment? You’ve tried us in our finances again and again… we are obedient each time and You always come through… but do we have to keep cutting it so close?
But then I suppose it shouldn’t matter to me because if I believe You’re going to show up does it really matter when… but it gets frustrating that it’s always at the last minute… we don’t hold back when we give… but somehow it feels like You are holding back.
Yeah… that’s honest… it feels like You are holding back. And that’s frustrating because I don’t understand… have we not been faithful? Are we not ready? Are we supposed to have “earned” it? If so, hasn’t our faithfulness done that? Where are the blessings You’ve promised?
Not that I’m saying we’re not blessed… I’m not so rotten I can’t see it… I’m just tired… ready for a break… a long break. Longer than a long weekend or a weeks vacation… but how can that happen? Yet You said that it would! I thought You said 2 weeks to 2 years, and 2 years is past… so what are the implications there… that nothing we think You’ve said is true? That it’s all in our heads? That You aren’t real? I mean if You are real why didn’t You correct us if we had mis-heard or mis-interpreted?
At some point that seems cruel… like intentionally not telling a child there’s no santa… and after years of believing… but that’s not the heart I see in Your word?!
So I am confused. I supposed that’s what all this boils down to. I’m confused and uncertain.
Lord, I believe but help me in my unbelief.
Who are You anyway? I don’t want to be disillusioned… yet how can I not be? What I have read and been promised isn’t lining up with what I have in the natural. Not that this reality is more “true” than the spiritual… it’s not, but at the same time even in Your word things are made manifest in the natural and heck that’s what You promised anyhow!
I am frustrated.
So I come again to Romans 4:21 “And being fully persuaded that, what He had promised, He was able also to perform.” I have been fully persuaded… yet I appear to be the fool for it right now. But then there’s always Ishmael… I don’t want to lose faith before due season… yet You have in some cases specified time frames which are now past!
And what about the promised You gave me from Isaiah 49:23 “…for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me”? And Isaiah 54:4 “Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.”
I need You. I need You to be real. I need You to be who You have said You are. I need You to deliver on what You have promised You will. I feel like I just keep asking and asking… yet I simply hear silence. Is that intended to be cruel? Am I so busy talking I can’t hear You? Or are You tired of me? Have You left me?
Then there is always Isaiah 54:7-8a “For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment…” Is this the moment? I feel so left behind… so abandoned… so alone… I’m not even really mad about it or anything… just tired… just broken.
I thought You loved me… I thought You were my husband… the One who would never leave me… where are You?
My heart is crying but my eyes have no more tears. I wait on You.